Daily Chuckles - Christian humour and cartoons
The dead church...
A new Pastor in a small town spent the first four days making personal visits to each of the members, inviting them to come to his first services.
The following Sunday the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the Pastor placed a notice in the local newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone’s duty to give it a decent Christian burial. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon, the notice said.
Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the “funeral.” In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed coffin, smothered in flowers. After the Pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church.
Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a “dead church,” all the people eagerly lined up to look in the coffin. Each “mourner” peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a guilty, sheepish look.
In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror.
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”
My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.” Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”
He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”
A couple decided to go to south for the weekend, but because they both worked it was hard to coordinate their diaries. So they decided the husband would go a day early, and his wife would join him the following day. On arriving, the husband thought he would email his wife from his laptop, but he accidentally mistyped her email address and sent it off without realising.
A widow had just returned from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been ‘called home to glory’ following an illness. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends, but instead found this:
To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I’ve Arrived!
I’ve just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. (P.S. Sure is hot down here!)
After the wedding, the little ringbearer asked his father, “How many brides can the groom marry?”
“One,” his father said. “Why do you ask?”
Because the priest said he could marry sixteen,” the boy said, puzzled.
“How’d you come up with that?” his father asked.
“Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the priest said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”
God is watching...
Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Christian school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. Someone had written a note and placed it next to the apples. It read, “Take only one, God is watching.”
Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One little boy wrote his own note and snuck it next to the cookies, “Take all you want, God is watching the apples.”
There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn’t swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, “Do you need help, sir?” The preacher calmly said “No, God will save me.” A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, “Hey, do you need help?” The preacher replied again, “No God will save me.” Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, “Why didn’t you save me?” God replied, “I sent you two boats!”
A pastor receives a letter
A pastor received a letter from a congregant. When he removed the letter from the envelope, it had one word written on it-“Fool”!
“Well”, said the pastor, “the sender signed the letter, but didn’t write anything else!”
Select three hymns
One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a very large bundle in the offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
And there sat our Rosie all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him!”
An Atheist meets a Bear
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the “accident of evolution” had created. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. As he turned to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging toward him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw the bear was closing on him. He tried to run even faster, he was so scared that tears were streaming down his cheeks. His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run even faster. Just then he tripped on a root and fell to the ground. As he turned to get up, he saw the bear right on top of him with his paw raised to kill him.
At that instant he cried out, “Oh my God.” Suddenly time stopped – the bear froze, the forest was silent, the river stopped flowing, and a bright light shown on the man. The a voice came out of the sky saying, “For years you denied my existence and taught others that I don’t exist. You even credit my creation to a cosmic accident as you take my name in vain. And now do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I now to count you as a believer?” The atheist, ever so proud, looked into the light and said, “It would be rather hypocritical of me to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but could you make the bear a Christian?” “Very well,” said the voice.
The light went out, the river started flowing again, the sounds of the forest started up, and the bear put down his paw. Then the bear knelt down, bowed his head and said, “Lord, I thank you for this food which I am about to receive.”
Please dont push me!
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!” As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late… But please don’t shove me either!”
Where did my brother come from?
Little Johnny’s new baby brother was screaming up a storm.
Johnny asked his mom, “Where’d he come from?”
“He came from heaven, Johnny.”
Johnny responded: “Wow! I can see why they threw him out!”
The story of Adam and Eve was being carefully explained in the children’s Sunday School class. Following the story, the children were asked to draw some picture that would illustrate the story. Little Bobby drew a picture of a car with three people in it. In the front seat was a man and in the back seat, a man and a woman. The teacher was at a loss to understand how this illustrated the lesson of Adam and Eve. Little Bobby was prompt with his explanation. “Why, this is God driving Adam and Eve out of the garden!”
Short a life jacket
As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, “Anyone here know how to pray?” One man stepped forward. “Aye, Captain, I know how to pray.” “Good,” said the captain, “you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets – we’re one short.”
Who makes the coffee?
A married couple were arguing who is making the coffee, the wife said that in the Bible it says that men should make the coffee and the husband asked her where it said that. The wife opened the Bible and said: “Right here in HEBREWS!”
Shhh...we're in church
Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”
Annie replied, “Because people are sleeping”
Heaven or Hell?
Atheist: “Do you honestly believe that Jonah spent three days and three nights in the belly of a huge fish?”
Preacher: “I don’t know, sir, but when I get to heaven, I’ll ask him.”
Atheist: “But suppose he isn’t in heaven?”
Preacher: “Then you ask him.”
And the common denominator is...?
A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. She asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?”
“NO!” the children answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”
Again, the answer was, “NO!”
Now she was smiling. Hey, they’re getting it, she thought! “Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?” she asked.
Again, they all answered, “NO!”
She was just bursting with pride for them. “Well,” she continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”
A five-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.”
A pastor’s wife was preparing pancakes for her young sons. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their Mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, “Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.” The oldest boy turned to his younger brother and said, “You be Jesus.”